Can't help but judge this book by its cover

Just when I was getting so good at not judging people by what they look like this Dapper Dan man had to come along and set me back. Police say he ran over his girlfriend with a half-ton truck. He could be innocent and they'd still throw him in the clink for the rest of his life. Not one to shirk off a learning opportunity, this experience has taught me two things:
1) With Jethro here in a holding cell, they're going to need a new stunt double for Mad-Eyed Moody for Harry Potter 6.
2) Love is indeed blind. And she uses an equally blind, inbred golden retriever for both a guide dog and a matchmaker.
3) Eye patches should be mandatory for some people. If D'Arcy Brandhorst from second grade had to wear one then this guy should too.

"Blackjack? Might as well call it whitejack!"

This should've been addressed the day it was discovered but it's never too late: Mother Nature may be a racist. That's right, Gaia, Mother Earth herself may be a respecter of persons, may be a honky cracker jive turkey. This past Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. A day normally marked by celebrations and marches to honor the late civil rights leader. But in the south they saw heavy snow for the first time in a decade. The eastern seaboard continued to be pummeled by relentless winter storms. Power lines were down, automobile accidents abounded. Why even here in Provo the annual march which ends at the BYU Bell Tower was almost canceled due to excessive snow--a conveniently white substance.
Fortunately the march was only postponed as modern day Rosa Parkses and Malcolm Xers held tight to their shovels and cleared a path through the prejudicial precipitation. But questions still remain: Is Mother Nature a racist? Could she not hedge her eager arm for one day, this one special day and let loose her liberating sunshine?

Rollin', rollin' down the river

There's been a recent development in the Ike Turner saga. A coroner has found that the legend of Rhythm & Blues died of an "accidental" cocaine overdose. Is there a certain amount of cocaine that can be safely sniffed without the risk of death? Especially when he once claimed to have spent over $11 million on blow?
As for me, I'm going to pretend that I never heard this news. I was fine with the picture already in my mind: Incredible musician falls in love with a nineteen-year-old soul singer, renames her Tina, marries, beats, then loses her for a pile of nose candy. She goes on to star in "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome", he cleans up his act and ends up kissing a golden gramophone at last year's Grammys.
Happily ever after.

To Slim Goodbody

Thanks Slim Goodbody for being willing to wear that body suit and musically teach me from a young age the location of our most precious and sensitive organs. I only wish that my nieces and nephews could sit at your tarsals, metarsals, and phalanges to learn the same. Because as it stands they do not appreciate the delicate nature of the male groin.
Since her mother refuses to give her basic anatomical instruction, one niece pounces into my lap freely as both of her knees come together to deliver a force equal to the hammer of Thor itself. At the other equally tortuous pole is my nephew--who despite the best efforts of my sister and her doctor husband--is amused with the no-no area and frequently shoots me there when my defenses are down with whatever new toy Grammy and Grampy have given him.
I love my nieces and nephews, but I'd like to have some of my own.
Would you come back Slim? Even if it were just for a day? You could stay at my parents ' place. I know you want to get back into the suit. You're probably still wearing it. Freak.

	Slim Goodbody - Slim Goodbody Anthem / Hail Nutrition! / The Gobbler /
	Found at skreemr.com

But she has to want to change

Thank you Dr. Phil for bringing us all to the attention of Britney Spear's dire condition. Before yesterday we wouldn't have had any reason to believe that she was unstable. But now that you say she's in need of "psychological and medical" help I can only hope for a speedy recovery so that she can get back to making the world a better place through high-quality music and perfume.
Maybe the good doctor should check on Lindsay. She seemed fine after "Herbie Fully Loaded" but I just don't know what to think any more.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/01/06/spears.released.ap/index.html#cnnSTCText

To Steve Jobs

Thanks apple.com/trailers for letting me see just enough of a movie I won't ever see so I can say "Oh yeah, I heard about that one. Doesn't it have that girl from Punky Brewster in it?" and knock the socks off of my domino party guests.

Hollywood is taking pollution down to zero!

Thank you Oprah and the other celebrities for succeeding where Captain Planet and the Planeteers failed--making environmentalism hip. Maybe they should have swapped the girl with heart power for a younger Justin Timberlake with sexyback power or something.

Sharon Jones-"This Land Is Your Land"